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Interesting perspective. Are there services available to family members of other kinds of offenders (i.e. murderers, burglars, etc)? Is it a problem with the system, that we don't pay enough attention to family members of offenders in general, or is it a sex-offender specific problem?

I'm not sure but I would guess that there must be support groups for other types of offenders, other than sex offenders. I think we just don't pay enough attention to the family members of perpetrators who, in my view, are victims too.

over two years ago my husband was arrested for possession of child pornography. I am a victim too, in the sense that society 'assumes' that because we made the decision to stay in our relationship; we must support the behaviour. In my case this is not true. My husband entered therapy in a group setting. The wives/partners/adult children are included to some degree in the counselling. Some of us have lost our friends, and sometimes family due to our choice. i recently supported one of these ladies as her husband was sentenced. She has since undergone verbal abuse, and vandalism, harrassment while her husband was incarcerated, and somewhat protected from the onslaught his wife experienced. I was lucky, my husbands offense didn't hit the papers. However i lost my so called closest friend, my husband lost his job, and ultimately had to be incarcerated not to mention the HUGE attorney fees. I am continuing to see a counselor on a biweekly basis, luckily it is free for me through my employer.

Thank you for sharing our story. You call yourself a "victim" and you are. Losing a "friend," a salary and then your husband more than qualifies you. I am sure your decision to support your husband was a well thought out one. Each woman has to decide what she will do and people should respect that painful decision. Again, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure there are more woman out there with similar stories....

There are so many of us out there. A "Dr." that was treating my husband before his incarceration wanted to do a research study on the "forgotten Victims". But I don't think it went very far. I would not give up looking for a support group and had decided that if I could not find one I would start my own. That was when I stumbled upon a group that had just started locally. No one can truly understand what it is like to live this life that we are living unless you have walked in these shoes. Wives out there need to know that they are not alone in dealing with the issues. We all have lost friends, our husbands have lost jobs, our childrens friends treat our kids differently and our whole way of living is turned upside down.  
 
My world is much different than it was 3 years ago, but many parts are better. Things will get better, there will be some rough spots but ultimately we have all grown as a family and continue to every day. We also find solice in fighting for the injustices in the system. Visit and join our group atwww.cautionclick.com

a year ago my husband of 15 years was accused of molesting my nephew, he denied the allegations. he had to speak with a detective and they set up a polygraph test. 10 months ago, he kissed me goodbye and said i love you and i will be home in a couple hours. 5 hours later i got the call " baby they are arresting me ". that was the day that my world crumbled. since then he has plead guilty and been sentenced to 30 years. i personally cannot support this.... now i sit alone, confused, betrayed, and jaded.... wish i could find some support to help me :(

I cannot express vehemently enough how important it is that these "hidden victims" are recognized.  
 
I learned that my boyfriend was a sex addict and sex offender in bits and pieces. He was on probation and did not tell me. He was in treatment with a counselor similar to what you do, and did not tell me. He was attending 12-steps for this problem and told me it was for something else.  
 
(By the way, his offenses do not involve minors, nor violence or physical contact.) 
 
Only after I was entwined in the relationship and financially dependent on work we did together did I find out about his "past".  
 
From that point forward my inner and outer life slid inevitably into an abyss of emotional pain and debilitating depression, helped along by my partner's cognitive errors in thinking that led him to deny the severity of his actions to himself and to me -- which in turn led to all sort of subtle and pervasive emotional abuses. 
 
As a result my ability to function in any capacity has been damaged, furthering my financial dependence on the relationship. It is a vicious cycle. 
 
Though he continues with treatment and has not re-offended (to my knowledge) since years before we were together, the residual sickness in him has been devastating to both our well-being. And his lack of re-offense hasn't meant that his fantasies have stopped so he seeks "safe" outlets such as forums and sites devoted to his core addictions. For him this is him doing better. To me it is painful. 
 
But the most damaging aspect perhaps has been the silence I've felt compelled to keep. I feel that even with a therapist I cannot reveal everything. I also attend recovery groups for partners of sex addicts, yet I've not heard one person in that group reveal that their partner is also a sex offender, so even in my support group I cannot speak the truth of the pain I'm dealing with. I also blog but again, feel I cannot reveal the whole truth lest I be judged harshly (and all evidence would suggest this would be true).  
 
My pain is silent. I am, indeed, a "hidden victim". Having to deal with such a disorienting force silently and alone is as toxic to my spirit as anything I've ever experienced.  
 
It is time that the partners and wives of sex offenders be considered. Not just in treatment for themselves, but as part of the treatment for offenders. My partner has been counseled erroneously, in my opinion, by well-meaning professionals who do not consider or begin to understand the impact on me. The focus is entirely on him and what he needs. He is told he has a right to his privacy and by default I then do not have a right to the whole truth or daily accountability. He is told that guilt and shame are toxic to his well-being and continued recovery and by default I am given the message that I have no right to feel angry, appalled, ashamed, hurt, sad, or any of the other panoply of emotions I've felt. He is told that his dalliances with pornography or forums related to his core addictions are still progress so long as he is not re-offending, and by default I am not allowed to see these as breaches in trust.  
 
I have begun writing a book that I still don't know if I will have the strength to publish. I intend to publish under a pen-name if I do, but the threat of my identity being discovered looms large in my mind and the impact it would have on my life and the lives of my friends and family.  
 
I have a right to tell my story, yet the evidence so far shows that the world will not think so. 
 

I have 4 children with my husband. I understand pain all to well. My husband found himself in likes of our 14 year old babysitter. I was horrified when I found out. he is back out and home with the kids, and I find myself so stressed and depressed due to the stigma of the lables as the sex offenders wife. I am bitter that the system is devoted to putting his life together, but do not care that mine has been shattered. I was normal before this and most days, it is all I can do to get out of bed, and then at that poin I fake a smile when I have to and try and make all look fine. I take care of my kids, but they ask me all the time, "mommy, why are you crying" or "mommy, it will be ok". This kills me. We have financially gone down the drain, and now our hom has gone into forclosure, and we will be homeless literally. There is no help and I dont see a light at the end. I think I have done my children such a disservice and I feel like I have failed them.

I found out 21 yrs ago that my husband had sexually abused our daughter and had been for about 4 yrs and I didn't even know it. We have 4 children together and when the abuse came out my son had actually told a teacher at school so I got the dreadful phone call that day. She was the only one that he abused but let me tell you my other children and myself were all victims as well. The worst part I think that I feel terrible about is that he had told me a couple of wks prior to my son telling the teacher and I believed him when he said that he wouldn't do that again to her and he did reoffend her again within that 2 wk period. That is something that I will always have to live with. I was honest and told my daughter that and I think she still holds that against me. Even though we had family counseling, couple counseling and individual counseling I always wanted a support group where I could go and just share my feelings with other women who had been through the same type of situation where I could feel validated. Even though it is years later and all my children are grown, married and moved out of the house I still carry that shame as if maybe I could have done something to not ever let it happen or I could have noticed something. My husband tells me I couldn't have as it was him that did it and nothing I did it is still hard. My neighbors and friends that found out treated me like I was some evil person that let this happen and I was in some way responsible for it happening as my neighbors found out that I had known a couple of wks before and didn't call authorities on him. My children were harrased as well as myself by our neighbors which made me very angry and depressed. What helped me to get through that rough time was to trust in the Lord and I had a few friends at church that I talked to alot that supported me to stay with my husband. These past 5-10 years have been difficult in a different way now as my daughter that was abused has 3 beautiful girls and she doesn't "trust" me I feel with the girls. I understand that she is protective with them and I am also of them as well, but there is a part of her that doesn't trust me with them. And now I am finding out that she says to my son quite frequently when they get together that she doesn't forget what he did nor does she forgive him. Well, I know what he did was terrible and I would never say that she should let her guard down but we went through so much together as a family through so many years of therapy and we were so close but we aren't anymore. Since her marriage to her husband he has slowly pulled her away from us and she says she is so close to me but I don't feel it at all. She spends very little time with us and it seems as though we're just second fiddle to his family. I also just learned that she told him parents that she was abused by my husband and I was so hurt by that. I couldn't believe that she would do that to me so I feel that I am being victimized again as they treat me differently now. My heart is breaking to see how she treats me and somehow feel responsible. My decision to stay with my husband was because I believed in him that he wanted to change and he has changed. He has also told her many times that he wished he could take it all back and that he would but he can't but I guess that's not enough for her.

Wow - what courage it is for you all to tell your stories and I have to say what a relief it is to have found this page as I've been searching for this type of "support group" for a few years and here it is.  
 
My soon-to-be-husband is in the midst of fighting his conviction, but as you all know, juries never believe anyone is innocent in this type of case, so you pretty much have to take a plea deal to be able to move on with your life.  
 
It shocks me to see and hear how neighbors mistreat the wives and children of a registered sex offender. What has happened to mankind? This behavior of theirs is unfathomable!  
 
To those of you who were able to stand by your husbands, no one should be judging you for doing so, after all, you took a vow. I also believe in second chances but its too bad outsiders don't.  
 
I, too, understand the loneliness this brings as I haven't told any of my friends what happened and have to tell stories to friends who wonder why they never see my future husband. He's been incarcerated going on 2 years now and its been an awful ordeal and a very slow process. Its been so trying. I can't believe how the judicial system works - or doesn't work, I should say. If he is forced to register, I'm starting to understand what my life is going to be like and I'm not looking forward to it. As a result, I purposely don't get too close to my neighbors because, why bother when they'll just end up spewing hate on me later for being an offender's wife.

I found out 6 weeks ago that my husband and best friend molested our two daughters over a week. He was apparently very addicted to drugs, another body slam that I received after finding out. He is facing life in prison. I reported him immediately, which required me to betray part of myself. It was so excruciating. I am sticking by him as a friend. We have been together for ten years and I truly believe that he snapped. We both were brutally raped when we were younger and spoke about this often with our children and warned them of predators. I never once considered he would be the one to do it. There was no penetration, thank God, but the damage is done. I'm left to pick up the pieces, fight for my daughters' recovery, pay off our mutural debt with half the income, cart the children and myself back and forth to therapy, deal with child protective services who repeatedly intrude on my daily life, aid in the investigation when possible, and support my husband who is horrified that he became the "monster" that he himself hated. I have to believe in his recovery. Otherwise, this would be absolutely hopeless. I face a lot of judgement from most people because they believe that in order for me to love and support my daughters, I have to hate my husband. I can't do that. I know him well enough to know that something went wrong. There is no peace in this. There is no justice in this. My kids want their dad to get out and come home, which I'm not sure that I could ever do. But there is no way I can walk away from him right now. He has tried to kill himself twice, and that is not how this story is going to end. I refuse. Sexual assault has had a long lineage in my family and his, and I am now on a quest to find out why and figure out how to stop it. I believe that education is the only way to do that. Shunning the offender will do nothing.

Valerie, 
 
I do know and believe that there can be recovery as long as he looks at himself and is honest to the core with himself. That is the only way that he can change. My husband at first went to a group that he looked up in the yellow pages and they didn't make him look long and hard at himself but the courts made him go to Joe Doherty's group and boy am I glad they made him because he made him look at himself and face the hard facts. I believe that if he didn't go there he would be in prison today and would have reoffended. It's not that he would want to reoffend but without that kind of help that he wouldn't have changed. I can't say enough about what his program did for him and I have been able to tell him myself. You are stronger than you may think that you are...you are doing everything for your children and that says alot! You will get through this as long as you have some sort of support. You also had the courage to call the authorities on him which unfortunately I thought he really meant what he said when he said that we wouldn't do that again. He really thought that he wouldn't reoffend but this was at the very beginning and I guess he couldn't help it? My daughter may never forgive me for that and that is something I'll always have to live with. I also received so much criticism from alot of people because I stood by him and they thought just because I did that I thought it was ok with what he did to our daughter. They just don't understand and my motto is until you walk in my shoes how dare you say that because what if the rolls were in reverse. This has made me to be much more comapssionate to people in many different circumstances. I hope that you will get help for yourself as well as you do need that as you are going through alot right now. I do pray that God will show you the way and keep the faith that there really is good in everyone. I have become a much better person unfortunately my family had to go through hell for me to get there.

UPDATE: I see that my husband has paid the ultimate price for being weak to our 14 year old provocative babysitter who was labled by the courts as a victim, but everyone who knows her has to still hear her bragg about the BJ she gave my husband. This "victim" keeps texting me and wanting to see my kids as she is 17 now and wanting to pretend nothing happened! She told me that it happened and it was no big deal.For her, maybe not, but for my family, we live in a never ending nightmare. she thinks this is all a big joke and I just keep hoping karma comes her way. When are we as a society going to stop turning loose teenagers into poor victims and make them be accountable to their actions. There is a vast difference in a child that is inocent and knows right from wrong and a teen who dreeses and looks from attention from older men AND get it when the men are in a weak state of mind. My husbands victim flat out states she waited for him to get drunk before making her move. That is no victim. It will be over my dead body before she sees my kids and I wish the courts would open their eyes! This is how people snap! I would never do anything to get myself in trouble and put my family through anything worse, but the day she turns 18, I will make every detail of this rediculous case public if she keeps it up!

I unwittingly married a sexual addict at age 17. As a very young woman myself, I was horrified to find out 2 years later that he was abusing some of his female junior high school students. We separated and I reunited with him the following year, believing that they were "freak events" and that something must be wrong with ME. Then nineteen years into the marriage and 2 children later, I discovered that this issue had been an on-going one. I am a Christian and have a strong faith. Nevertheless, this revelation almost destroyed me. That was in 1988. I looked for something then in book form that was written for the wife and found NOTHING. There is still very little out there. I have written a book called In The Shadow Of His Hand and am happy to share it with anyone who is interested.  
 
There is healing and life CAN go on.  
 

I feel so alone and feel that noone understands how I feel. I just filed for divorce from my husband of 15 years a few months ago. My husband lied to me for 12 years that he DID NOT sexually abuse my niece. He blamed the accusations on her lying and her parents lying because of their shady past. My husband and I were very close and he claimed to be a strong Christian. He graduated from a Bible College and taught me alot about the Bible. He passed a lie detector test 12 years ago so I decided to believe and stay with him. He finally confessed to me in March 2011 after much coersion on my part and I left him. I did not spend any holidays with my family for 12 years. I moved to another state to be near them and am building relationships with them again. My Mom says its a miracle to have me there with them. I still love him even though I cannot be with him. No amount of counseling can make me go back. The trust was broken but noone understands how I have felt. I really like that there are others like me who has gone thru what I am going thru. Only God can get us through.

Just found out my husband molested our two daughters the same night.This is deception at it's best. I would have rather-ed he died in an auto accident as the decent man we all thought he was rather than leave us "DEAD" as a child molester. I will NEVER forget or forgive him. There is just some lines you don't cross. 5 days and every agency has been contacted. Just waiting news of his arrest and the embarrassment once it hits our local newspaper. I hope they lock him up and throw the keys away with "BUBBA"  
But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. Matthew 18:6

I may have a somewhat different perspective on this issue than some of you. I, too, am the wife of a sex offender...a child molester to be exact. It hasn't even been a year since I found out about his offense against our granddaughter several years ago. At first, I was in total shock. I ended up on a psychiatry unit at the hospital for a week, had to leave my job and took a long "leave without pay" on top of the huge fees, loss of his income and medical bills. My life has changed radically.  
 
 
 
I work in a helping profession and must keep this completely to myself. My profession is now just a job. I can't interact with my colleagues without the fear of this being "outed".  
 
 
 
Of course, I have lost all contact with the kids (I was de-grandmatized.) and was banned by my stepson from ever having anything to do with them again. (Although he acknowledges that I had nothing to do with the offense.) Of course, my stepson is devastated and angry. Recently, he started a "hate blog" about his own father (stupidly naming names!), expecting that people would add their own hate messages. I guess he thought this would make him feel better if others supported his hate. Of course, some people did. What he didn't count on, though, was people who did not support the act but supported the man joining the discussion and foiling his little hate mobbing. Once people who spoke reasonably got on there, the discussion did not last long. 
 
 
 
Still, I was shocked at the horrible things people were willing to say about me! It didn't matter that my stepson had stated specifically that I had nothing to do with the offense. People just decided that I was guilty by the fact that I "should have known." Because I took care of his legal issues and continue to care for his needs in jail, that makes me an "enabler." Its completely nuts! But I guess I'm preaching to the choir on this one.  
 
 
 
In the midst of all this, however, the different perspective I take is that I am not a victim. I believe that being a victim is a choice. Some of you may choose to accept that role or need to given your own circumstances. I know I would be much more inclined to feel that way if I were losing my home or if my child were injured. This has affected us all in different ways and I respect everyone's response. However, I would like to invite you to rethink the idea of victim. When you are a victim, you give your power away. Someone else has to observe you as being in pain and you become dependent on their response. Early on in this ordeal, I simply chose not to go through that and its been amazing to me. Everything seems to be working out the best that it could under the crazy circumstances. I got a good new job and someone to move in to help with the rent. I found a fabulous therapist. Our lawyer was outstanding and my husband's sentence was far from the worst it could have been. 
 
 
 
I miss the kids terribly, of course. I am so sad about not being a grandmother anymore. But every morning I wake up grateful for a new day and pray for all of those who are still feeling pain (especially my granddaughter!!!) that they will be able to see through their darkness. Love is always present when we choose to see it. 
 
 
 
Blessings to you all!

I don't feel I'm a victim I feel as though I'm a survivor! it's amazing how people treat others when they don't know all the circumstances they just assume things. I always try to think of how the other person would feel. We're christians but we're still careful about some of them knowing as I'm not sure how they would respond and I guess what would be the reason for them to know except to give God the glory for working in our life. God has been so good to us amidst all the terrible things that could have happened. First and foremost our daughter is doing well today due to all the therapy we all got and most importantly God's grace . So hang in there I know things can be tough we went through so much together as a family unfortunately you can't see your granddaughter but maybe in time you will. God has a way of working in our lives. Take care  

My husband of 22 years was arrested 18 mos ago for molesting his granddaughter.. No one could believe it; including the arresting officers. I didn't believe it until our daughter told me otherwise. He just pled out after 18 mos in jail. 20 do 6, time served and probably out early for "good behavior". Personally, I believe all child molesters should be lethal injected to die. What wreckage they leave behind. They only care about their own sick twisted perverted selves. BTW he will be 66 yo when he gets out of prison, if he doesn't get killed inside first...

It's along story but I will post it at another time. I have been looking for some kind of support for along time.

I am wife of a recovering sex offender and I do understand some of your view on how that they should be a support group of wives to be able to share their different level of journey based of the choice that they have choosen to stay in the relationship. Soughtoutwives.blogspot.com is created with the intent to encourage each other and also to help some of our questions some others may have who have already went through an simuliar ordeal. What to expect in the early stages of your love ones arrest. How to cope with different emotions all at once. I just wanted to let u know that there is a place online support for encouragement you have not been overlook just overly exposed.

Almost 5 years ago my husband was arrested with a 15 year old hooker. He had been with several hookers trying to "solve a E.D." problem he was having. He also had nude pictures of underage children on flashdrives and was arrested for that as well. My son and I still struggle everyday. Oh sure, he has apologized, but with no real feeling behind it, in my opinion. He stays in the house as a double felon sex offender on probation for 10 years. He will not leave. I hate him for doing this to us. We have lost a lot too. I do not think that I can stay with a man who could hurt his family like this. I also discovered he had a porn habit....where does society helo us???

I have stayed with my husband that admitted to child porn and touched a nebor. Of ours it has been three years and I still struggle everyday whether what I am doing is right. We have five kids two born after the confession. He was never arrested. But did go to sex affenders classes. I worrie daily for our kids I was sexually abused as a child by my father and I don't want the same to happened to my kids. But I got married young (18) and I have now education to get a job. With five kids I need his help to support them. I'm tariffied it stay but what will happen if I leave? Where can I go? There is no real support around me. I love my husband but at the same time hate him.our church has asked me to stay because the children need a father and he supposedly has no issues with our children. But what if he is lying. I'm always confused now and scared it's taking a toll on my health and my children. I don't know if I should just leave. I don't want my kids taken away if something does happen and I stayed. God help us all.

It sounds as though you need counseling together as a couple and it's really important that your able to trust him and it doesn't sound as though you do if your terrified he will hurt your children. It is wrong of the church to tell you need to stay with him just because he is their father. Believe me I believe that if he has admitted to everything and truly has asked for forgiveness and is working towards being right with God then that would be the right thing to stay with him but if he hasn't really admitted to doing wrong and I mean everything that he has done then that means that he isn't being true to himself or to you or your kids and that isn't fair to you or your children at all nor would he be safe to be around. What kind of program was he in? If you live in the Boston area New Directions is a wonderful program as my husband had to go through his and boy am I glad of it and so is my husband. He didn't like him at all at first because he made him face the truth but now he tells him without him doing that he wouldn't be where he is today. Of course I know God's hand was in it all along and guided us all the way. I pray that things will work out for you and you won't be so scared of things and stand up to him and make him be accountable as your children and yourself are worth it!!

I have been trying to find out the meeting place of my local S-Anon group. They do not publish it. I have no idea why they make it SO HARD to find a meeting! It just reinforces the shame I already feel. I keep calling & leaving my ph# & they do call back, but they will NOT leave a message with the information. I have not told anyone but a therapist. She does not really understand though. I keep trying to find real life support groups specifically for significant others of sex addicts & S-Anon is the only one I found. I wish they would publish their meeting sites! Even sex-addicts groups themselves post where their meetings are for goodness sakes!

I am dating an ex-child molester long distance via Skype webcam--we met through playing games on the Internet and first became acquaintances, then, as we found more and more similarities, friends and then romantic partners. We skype for hours every day, almost every waking moment and have met once. I have continually and carefully weighed all that I have observed of him and am convinced that he has not only decided to leave behind that past, taken concrete steps to avoid risks, but that these are now a pattern of his life as he has practised these precautions over 10 years now. His qualities of great humour, self-reflexivity, wisdom and maturity, firmness and strength are what attracted me to him. It is ironic but, now that I know more about his treatment and history, it's obvious that some of these qualities were no doubt innate, but some came about through intense long term group and individual therapy. 
 
I am middle-aged with a girl, and it is to remove any temptation as well as any doubts in friends and family if/when they find out about his past that we are not going to be together until she is grown up and are minimising contact and emotional closeness with her. This way, some of the accusations and doubts thrown at us can be met with, "Look how long we waited, and the precautions we took to protect her." 
 
We support each other in our daily lives, we try to help each other be strong in the face of everyday difficulties. However, the hardest of all things have been the loneliness of not being able to really share about him--I dare not even reveal his name as he will show up if anyone searches it. I am an open person and not good with living with a secret. The other thing is not being able to hold and kiss each other and not knowing if the legislation will change so that we can be more sure we will be able to live together in the same country. He can't come to me as my country prohibits entry, and I don't live in his country until I have raised my children to adulthood. 
 
I am not his wife and my experience is to do with long after the crime was discovered, punishment and treatment meted. It is a sign of how difficult this issue is, how stigmatised that even someone like me, let alone someone who was married at the time of the offense, can experience difficulty and stress. I am only going through this because the quality of the relationship itself has been very good and worth fighting for, and he has shown himself sterling in not only telling me right from when we became romantic, helping me educate myself about the issue and the risks, but also in aspects of life that aren't to do with his past.