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I would respond to this woman that she should move to be with her children, they should come first and need their mothers protection and love at this very confusing and scary time. The feelings of the perpatrator and wife should go second to the love and protection of those children. If the courts say the father should not be near the children then the mother should leave him and be with the kids. Everything else should come second. 
I am the Daughter of a sex offender.

I just saw this and oh how my heart breaks for you Anonymous! I have walked a journey similar to yours and it’s hard, but it can grow you and your family in amazing ways. It has for me and mine. In a situation like this you learn who truly is supportive of you and who isn’t. Then you have to learn how to place some healthy boundaries – even with people who you call friends and family. I know the feeling of just wanting to hide. I know the feeling about the media because my husband’s choices were on the news for an entire weekend. I know the tough thing of being a Momma in the middle of it all. I am praying for you, for your children, and even for your husband. I started an outreach of sorts called “The Offender’s Wife” www.theoffenderswife.tumblr.com). We are also on Facebook – just type in ‘The Offender’s Wife’ and it will pop up. I would absolutely love to connect with you, even if it’s anonymous. The last thing you need is to walk through something like this without any support or hope. There IS hope. Don’t give up.  
 
Karen Hammons 

God can turn every impossible circumstance into another notch on His belt of truth...and He wants you to wear that belt, too! Don't think for a second you can't heal with your family intact. God knows if you can, and He will guide you through if it's possible. If it isn't, He's going to show you the way to healing apart from your husband. You don't have to figure any of this out. All you need to know is what God says about you and Him. Focus on Scripture and prayer and this too shall pass. I'm praying with you!

I guess people do not believe in their wedding vowes "For better or for worse!" 
 
http://sexoffenderissues.blogspot.com

The issue of wedding vows and deciding to keep them or not really can't be tackled and handled appropriately until the deep heart and mind issues of the individual (wife AND offender) are addressed. The individual needs healing that only Jesus can bring. Then the whole issue of restoring the marriage can begin. In some cases, the marriage may face a time of separation. During the struggles with my husband, we had a "forced separation" because he was in jail for a period of time. God got a hold of both us and healed us both. When he was released, we were then able to tackle the marriage issues in a more healthy and realistic way.  
 
Karen Hammons

Anonymous - Just want you to know that you are heavy on my heart and I am praying for you and your family today. There is grace, mercy, hope, and healing that Christ can bring to you, your family, your husband, and to the child and family that was violated. God is bigger than all of this mess. He's got it and He's got YOU.

You are heavy on my heart as well... My heart breaks for you and with you. I'm standing with you, I'm here to help... If you ever want to talk or need anything, please e-mail me Ashley@POTSC.com- I will keep your identity in strict confidence. Love & believe in you...

You're really brave for telling your story. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you and your family!

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through but I don't know that God's grace is BIG and it is surrounding you and your family RIGHT NOW! You are not alone.

My heart is so heavy for you. It is so brave of you to share your voice and your story, maybe it can help others going through a similar situation. You're in my thoughts and prayers, I pray God will give your strength and comfort in a time of so much pain and so many questions. You’re stronger and move loved than you know!

If I can remind you of anything it would be that God is in complete control. The hardest thing about trusting is the doubt and confusion that comes from a time of waiting. Seek first the kingdom of God and this too shall pass.  
 
May God fill your heart with a peace that passes all understanding. May you feel a love that flows from knowing there is nothing that will ever separate you from the love of God. May you be blessed as others continue to be blessed by you.  
 
Grace and Peace and Love!

anonymous...i cant imagine what you are going through and how hard this must be for you and your family...even though it is so dark right now and trust has been shattered, i know you are fighter...even just being brave enough to share your story shows this to be true...i believe in you and your future....hang in there and i pray peace floods your life during this difficult time...

Anonymous, my heart aches for you! I have been through similar experiences and it hurts! It doesn't make any sense. But know this that God loves you more than you can ever imagine and I know He does not want you to take your life! Lean into His loving arms and be healed. Get help a counselor or what ever you need. Just don;t try to walk through this journey by yourself. Remember, that God loves you!! 
 
Grace and Peace 
Mike Lane

Sometimes the things we have no control over, have so much control over us. It's in times like these we're asked to keep going even if it seems like we're in the darkest valley. But I pray that you push through and keep going. These are some difficult circumstances to be going through, but my heart is with you. And I'll pray for peace. 
 
R.

Thank you for sharing your story, and for being honest about the pain. Sometimes life hurts. Relationships are hard. We are affected by the choices of others. I am so proud of you for taking time to make decisions, for not giving up on your husband, and for choosing to walk the hard road of going through this instead of running away. I know it is hard, incredibly hard. Your love and grace toward him is an incredible witness. It is not crazy, it is a tangible act of grace in the face of terrible circumstances, horrible choices he made, and failures that took place. Take care of yourself and do set appropriate boundaries, but love. Love with all you have. Love him, love the girl, love your friends and family when they don't understand. Love yourself. You are amazing and beautiful! I am praying for you! ~Sherie

Anonymous, don't ever lose sight of the fact that there is a plan and a purpose for everything that happens in our lives. Hold onto hope, and don't ever doubt the power of love and grace. I am praying for you and your family. Praying for peace to flood & overwhelm all the chaos and hurt right now.

Recently, I learned by way of my second oldest daughter -now in her twenties, that she and her older sister my first daughter, were the victims of their own father's misconduct. He used them for sex with the excuse alot of men use that they are teaching them about sex. I didn't know a thing about it. She trembled in tears as she told me and there is no way that she could be lying that it happened, she didn't go into detail and I didn't ask her too many questions because I felt it would make her revisit the tramatic experience and pain. She thought I would be mad at her. But I don't feel blame tword her. She didn't do this, she didn't ask for it. And neither did her older sister my first born daughter. I searched the web but found little of other woman who were so lulled into trusting their spouses that of course there was no question of the children being safe with their own Daddy. The clues were there. I just didn't see them, didn't know what to look for and didn't suspect anything. Since my second oldest daughter's "confession" as the innocent party, I have quit feeling guilty for moving out of the "master" bedroom as he my husband called it, and thanked God that I did! My husband does not understand why I am bitter tword him, nor does he remember HE SAYS, about what he did to our daughters. My second oldest sone knew which bothered me cause he never said a word to me about it eihter. I told my seoncd oldest daughter that I didn't blame her over this abuse, and she is innocent of all as is her sister. The person I am upset with is her Dad and I've put it lightly by saying that because there is so much I feel beyond the mere word "upset" for the emotions I feel now are too vast to begin to describe! I knew this guy since Junor High and had gotten some nutty idea in my head that we two were fated to be together! So our history spans over fourty years! And in all that time I never suspected he was this sort of feind! He hid his vial crimes well, and so the hurt is very extensive for more than just myself. If anyone else has suffered this similar horrorific discovery about their so called love of their life, know that you are not alone. I now know that there is at least one other woman who can verbalize what it is like to learn the much hidden truth kept from them, without any respect or reguard or gratitude of what their spouse and household and family members have meant to them! We are like pearls before SWINE for these blaggards cads slimes! And it is very hard to come to a healing of forgiveness for such deliberate ememies as sex adict sneak thieves that would use their own children and probably even somemone elses too! I leave my husband's redemption to the Lord, and look to the Lord for my own forgiveness and failure to stay alert and keep a better watch over our precious children! I would like to beat the living day lights out of this now needful fat slob of a husband that would reak such nightmarish treatment of our daughters, but justice is something we may never get and punishment of the victim is something the girls and I have seen all too often in other families. I hope to God that he can bring the justice we have yet to see!

Thank you for your post. I can certainly understand your pain but I can't understand why you are so hard on yourself....who, in your position, knowing their spouse as long as you did, would ever suspect such behavior? I'm glad your daughter had the courage to tell you and that you were able to listen without blaming her.

Hi, 
I am on this site six months after knowing that my now x-partner of 14 years has been (I do not know how many times or done what) with prostitutes - young ones - I do not know how young. It may seem odd, since the only sites I've found are for women whose husbands/partners have been discovered to be pedophiles. I just think of my x and his obsession with his nieces. I cannot imagine he had/has sexual fantasies about them. He played the part of the faultless and devoted uncle. I remember him telling his nieces not to smoke, to take those cigarettes - which they wanted -from their mouths -because smoking was bad for them. I find myself wondering today how he could expect a young woman to perform (he admitted to this) oral sex on him, she telling him - no doubt - that she wanted to, because it was her chosen way to make a living. An adult knows better, knows that it is not good for one to have mens' genital organs repeatedly stuffed into their mouths. My brother and I grew up in a violent household - which my father left for good, when we were still small. My brother became violent as an adult - and problematic. He mentioned a few years back that he had been abused by a man who was for some years our step-father. My x knew all of this. Knew of my profound fear of men, of their violent and abusive nature. And, when he had me "discover" the fact that he abuses young women for money, he cried hysterically, had a kind of nervous breakdown. He told his sister that I had invented everything - when I told them. He said he'd left me, that I'd freaked out and had set out to destroy his life. I received no empathy from any of his siblings. i have no family of my own, no contact with the aforementioned brother, due to his violent outbursts - and no other relatives. I am seeing a psychiatrist in order to deal with my emotions and with a betrayal and shock that has changed my view of the world - made it a frightening place, in which all men are monsters... I could go on. But, I won't. I just want to say that it's hard, because the mass media, which sexualizes everything, including children!, has people thinking that women's liberation means that anything goes - promiscuity, selling oneself, buying others - no human dignity, no self-respect, no capacity to care beyond any conflicts between reason and desire. Morality has been given a dirty name. I really feel the world is an awful, gutter type of place - and was so relieved when my psychiatrist finally said something - that a man who uses prostitutes is - from a clinical psychology viewpoint - sadistic and probably out of his mind - when he does so. People do not doubt that child abuse is a serious offense - thank god. I find it very hard dealing with men and women who - you can tell - don't know their own moral compass - who don't think - don't stop to consider if their actions could possibly be hurting another human being. I feel as though people these days defend this "anything goes" credo - and it just is awful. Prostitutes line the streets at night near where I live, in Italy. I drive past them - even at 9pm, 11pm, or in broad daylight, going into business parks for meetings, taking the car to be repaired - just out of town. They are GIRLS. Less than 16 years of age. These soon become 19, 20, 25, 30 year old prostitutes - by which time men claim even more that these women (abused since they were teens and perhaps before) know what they are doing - and do so out of free choice. They continue being abused. The fact is that I have been living with a sex offender. Prostitution is illegal in most countries of the world. I, personally, can see why. And yet, I suspect, many women - thinking themselves feminists, would say it is every man or woman's "right" to do as they wish with their bodies. 
I find myself on this site, the hurt runs very deeply inside. My x had me believe he was good, interested in the needs of the weakest members of society, interested in my past (traumatic childhood etc) and in my fragility. Instead, he was and is a sadist and a liar. It has been a living nightmare - all this. So much so that I really identify with some of the emotions expressed on this site. I do not understand, however, why so many women stand by their husbands. I was not married. But, as Sting sings in one of his songs, I felt I was, "the secret marriage vow, is never spoken, the secret marriage never can be broken..."

I stumbled across this site, reading many of the posts, I ask myself why does the wife feel so much guilt,confusion, when we didn't do this. I found out about my x husbands molestation of my neice (then 8 yrs old) a couple yrs ago. She is now 40, for me I might have been able to stay w/ him IF, he would have admitted to it. He didn't admit to anything except "almost a kiss". The molestation went on for 4 yrs. Married for 30 yrs to a man I dearly loved and respected, now I can bearly look at him, I have such disgust. And he is continually around children, and hiding behind the church. Don't get me wrong there is forgiveness, when someone confronts those whom they have wronged. Meanwhile, I feel guilt around my family for not being able to protect the neice in my home, and will always wonder if he did this to my children and or grandchildren. And for several yrs now, there is little support, maybe cause people don't know what to say to us wives. For me I just needed to know someone was there. There needs to be more support groups for the wives, some days I can't think, some days are better. I'm determined, that this will not define my life, there has to be better days. And as for just pray & read ur bible, good advise, but let me say, some days I couldn't mumble my name, much less pray. I'm thankful 4 people who prayed continually 4 me, cause I couldn't. My x was NEVER prosecuted, he still walks about freely and acts as if nothing ever happened. My family is still broken from this. I've had to sell my home,furniture,and barely able to works at times. It's handicappin.  
 
To the wives out there, it's ok to feel anger,resentment,confusion,betrayal,rants,tears. We MUST protect the children. They must be removed from a place where they are harmed, and into a safe place. 
 

Debi, 
 
 
 
It is ok to feel all of those feelings and we must as we have been betrayed by our husband/spouse in my case as well as some of you and they need to take that resposibility as they are the ones that created all of this. I guess the reason I felt so much guilt is because I should have known it was going on and how didn't I know. That is hard to live with but we have to realize that it was hidden from us from our spouse because they didn't want to be found out. My husband did tell me after 4 years of abusing our daughter and he told me that it wouldn't happen again and I truly believed him and he thought he wouldn't abuse her again but he did and my son ended up telling a teacher at school. She in turn called DSS and reported the abuse. I live with that and always will that I didn't report it myself. What I know now is that he was crying out for help and didn't know where to turn but me and he couldn't stop on his own which I know now. I wish I had understood that then. We went through alot of therapy together as a family individual counseling, couple counseling and things are much better today but there are lingering effects today even though it's 21 years later. It will never leave us in our thoughts but we are stronger for it unfortuately at the expense of my daughter. I have four children and she was the only one abused but it affected them all in different ways. I always wished that I had a support group to go to myself just to talk out my feelings but at least you have this website now and it can be of great help I believe. I would love to be able to help other women that are going through this as I didn't have much help myself when I was going through everything. You definitely need the support to know that you aren't a bad person as the world treats you like you are an evil person even though you didn't do the abuse. I was treated very bad by our neighbors but I knew that I had to hold my head up high because I didn't do anything wrong--so please hold your head up and know that you didn't do anything and if you could have done something you certainly would have.

Everything you are feeling is totally normal. The devastation, the sense that you can no longer trust your own judgment about people, the feelings of betrayal, the horror and shock, the rage, the anxiety and fear about the future, the loneliness, even the thoughts of suicide. I had all of these issues and more when I learned that my husband of 19 years had a long history of sexual offending. It was a long road back to sanity and joy, but I made the effort. I have written a book called "In The Shadow Of His Hand" and am happy to share my journey with you if you have any interest.  
 

Hi, Everyone, 
 
 
 
I am so grateful for your posts. About a year ago, I found out that my husband had sexually molested our granddaughter. As all of you have listed, the feelings you go through are so intense, they are hard to describe! Colleen, thank you so much for your wisdom. You are so right that the world treats the wives like they are "evil". Through various e-mails, I've been called all kinds of names, been accused of being an enabler, had it insinuated that I knew what was going on and was equally culpable, been accused of lying...all kinds of nastiness. I know the truth. I knew nothing, had nothing to do with it, and other family members have elaborated on what actually happened to gain sympathy from others. Its easier for them to make me look bad than to deal with their own sense of failure. The truth has become irrelevent.  
 
 
 
But getting back to our men...I think you hit the nail right on the head with two comments, "he was calling out for help", and "he couldn't stop on his own." If people would stop their hate long enough to read your post and have compassion for the person you write about, we might be able to start understanding what need is not being met in people who molest and as a community be able to effectively educate people about it. Then, if we could make it safe for those who are aware that they have these unmet needs to seek the help they need...WOW! Just think of all the children, families, friends, neighborhoods, and marriages that would be spared this horrendous act. 
 
 
 
We'd put the newscasters out of work....

It would be a much better world if people could look beyond what happened and focus on the person but unfortunatley, most people can't do that. I believe that with the love of God all things are possible and that is what got me through everything in our life. Other people are so quick to put judgement on others when they see them fall, take heed, lest you fall! But as I learned by social workers in the field that most people that are so quick to judge others for wrongs they do are really hiding something that they themselves have done so you have to try to not listen to them which I know is very hard to do. You have to listen to the people in your life that encourage you and to trust in God as I believe with all my heart that only he could bring you through such a terrible thing. Even though it has been alot of years since it all came out we still sometimes have to deal with issues around the abuse and I hate that but it is still better than to put my head in the sand and think that it never happened. It just hurts to think of the pain that it caused our whole family and I'm not sure that will ever go away totally. But I feel that I have done something positive this past year and gone back to therapy to a christian therapist to work on even a better relationship with my daughter that was abused. We had a good relationship already but I wanted it better and I can see that is helping. We had a great talk a month ago that I went back into therapy because I wanted a better relationship with her and she responded well to it. It opened up alot to talk with her about. The most important thing to me is that my children mostly the daughter that was offended doesn't blame me for any of what happened to her as I didn't know what was going on and in that conversation that is what we talked about. She told me that she didn't blame me for any of it (even though when he told me 2 weeks before it was exposed and I didn't know what to do he told me that it wouldn't happen again and I believed him--as he really thought it wouldn't. It was really good to hear that from her because I haven't been feeling that as that is something that I have had a hard time not blaming myself for not telling. I am trying to work on that and trying to forgive myself. I'm just glad she doesn't it makes it a little easier. You have to love yourself enough and know that you did the best you could with what you knew. Wouldn't we all have done something had we known?! If I had realized that at that point he couldn't stop himself I would have done something. We have to believe that we are good people and that God looks at us the same and loves us even though! He loves us even when we sin but he picks us up and carries us when we can't go on ourselves.

It's been over 34 years yet I still carry in my heart the damage my ex did to other women and girls, and how damaged my own life because as a result.. He had told me when we were young he had spoken with the devil in a hayfield. He said we could never be married as he knew he was going to get into trouble.. I made plans to have my baby at a Salvation Army hospital and have her adopted.. My mother had other ideas, In those days , the early 60's a young couple married to save the family the shame and to give the child a name..  
 
On hearing of his first crime,I reacted with disgrace shame feelings of fear for the safety of myself and our children, and the disgrace to our family.  
 
 
 
I stayed with him even after he was imprisoned, then when he was released it escalated. He began to tell me in detail of his escapades with other women as he was being intimate with me. I had promises from the Warden, the Psychologist ,the minister and the ex himself he had been rehabilitated.. He left our family for another women. He wanted to come back,I stood my ground, I told him "I am a person with Rights, just keep on going.."  
 
 
 
A couple years later when my eldest daughter was graduating from high school with very high honors, I had a phone call from his latest, saying "what do I do it's happened again."  
 
I asked "why she was calling me with this it wasn't any thing to do with me" I ended that phone call then sat on the floor and wept for hours.. I knew it had nothing to do with me, I knew he was ill.. Most importantly I knew God was sparing our family of the disgrace, the shame and humiliation. My daughter could go to her graduation with her head high, and she did..  
 
What I don't understand is the hold he still has on them, they think he's very dear to them.. Of course I can't badmouth the guy to his bio family, our 'kids' it only backfires.. Of course they, the 'kids' didn't live with details of his crimes...  
 
As a result I still feel the pressure of the guilt, I can't seem to break free of how dehumanised I felt.. 
 
 
 
I am married again, I have been very spoiled for a very long time by a decent honest man.  
 
Old garbage creeps in and I still think of those victims. I wonder if they are ever free of the attacks and dehumanizing assaults? That's not mine to carry, it acts as a trigger for depression and I have to stop the thoughts with the same words I said to him years ago: I am a person with Rights. I am getting old, I am letting go, God has Spoiled me So!

Sandra, 
 
This man obviously didn't get the help that he needed and/or maybe he can't be rehabilitated but that isn't true of all offenders. If they really want help and work hard at it I believe that they can turn their life around. It doesn't sound like he's even interested. You have to let go of what he has done to others and to you and work on yourself, remember you didn't do anything...he has done all of it himself and you have to stop beating yourself up for it. I feel that you need to get counseling to free yourself of the guilt that you carry. I think that he told you all the details to have the hold over you. You are worth a whole lot more than that. I have had alot of counseling to help me through everything and it has helped me tremendously. It was very difficult for me to deal with the abuse of my daughter and also how our neighbors treated us especially my children. They were cruel and tried to make me feel that I was such an evil person and tried to put shame on me but I held my head up high as I wasn't the one that did the wrong so you need to remember that. God helped us through everything in so many ways and I know he will you too. Do you have any support system as that is very helpful as well. I know that it's hard to do, but you aren't the one that did that to other people. I also feel that your kids should know what happened and I say that because they need to be safe from him and if they have any children or in the future they decide to have kids they need to be kept safe from him because he clearly isn't safe to have kids around. It sounds like he abused women but even so I would tell the kids as it sounds like your oldest daughter anyway is a young woman now and she needs to know to be safe from him. I really hope that you will seek some help as you are worth it!

I was going through a similar disaster at the same time as this woman last year. Almost one year ago my husband was starting an affair with a high school student. The police later found child porn on his computer with kids the same age as our oldest child, 3 years old. One year out and I'm still flailing like a fish out of water. I blog about my feelings and experiences, but it's a lonely conversation. I want to talk to more women in this position (because there are a lot of us). I think all of you should start your own blogs to tell your stories, too. We could all link to each other and learn from our similarities and differences. The worst part sometimes is not being able to predict where my life is going, but I bet many of you have some of those insights. Please visit me at http://notthelifeichose.blogspot.com/ and tell me if you have your own blogs or websites.

Evie, 
 
 
 
It was very difficult for me as well especially when the abuse came out. You definitely need support from other women and I would love to help you if I could. As far as other websites go I'm very leary of them. We could talk on here and I would feel safe. There are alot of emotions that you go through trying to deal with the abuse, neighbors, the law, etc..... Most importantly your children. Not knowing where my life was going was very scary for me as well. One thing I had going for me was that we were connected in our church to a few close friends that helped us both out. They were the only ones I could talk to. You will get through this even though it doesn't feel like it some days. I also went to therapy as well and that helped me, but I would agree with you that it would be great to be able to talk to other women that have been through this as I looked for it when we were going through this but found nothing. But today there are wonderful websites like this that are very helpful.  
 
Please let me know if I can help you as that is my prayer to help someone that is going through a similar situation as I know how hard it can be.

My husband was arrested again on new information from his past (the details are on my blog: notthelifeichose.blogspot.com). I am so tired of the legal system. I hate how little it cares for the family of the offender. I am counting the months I can survive before I can't pay the mortgage. I am wondering how many years it will be before my kids will see their father again. My father-in-law is sure that he will go to prison and be killed by other inmates. Will someone please give me a reality check?

I'm sorry your going through all that now and it isn't fair to you at all because you didn't do anything!! Unfortunatley, the legal system doesn't always work the way that it should. I think sometimes they just want to find out who did it and lock them away and everything will be just fine when that's not the case at all instances. If these offenders first of all don't get help then nothing will ever change. And most of all you shouldn't be treated like you did something. I know when my husband went through the system I was looked at like I had something to do with as well. I had to prove them wrong. I had a social worker here every week to make sure that I was being a good mom to my kids and I was keeping them safe. I never prayed so hard as in those days as I was scared to death that my kids would be taken away and also that he would go to prison so I understand where your coming from. Is your husband's family willing to help you out financially? It sounds like you have a good relationship with them. I know it seems as though you'll never get through this but you will. I know there were many a day that I didn't think I would get through it either but as I look back it was certainly a growing time for me and my family. I will keep you in my prayers and I know that God will come through for you too.