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The Shame of the Sex Offender

  

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                           "I've disappointed God and I've disappointed myself."

Not many people would expect to hear these words from a man who committed a sexual offense, but many offenders I've treated have uttered them in one form or another.  The notion of shame comes up in many contexts, one of them being the shame of having to register as a sex offender. Presenting oneself to an officer at the local police station and telling them why they are there is not an easy task.

Contrary to the popular perception of sex offenders as being out of control predators, most that I have met over the course of the last 30 years know that they have committed an egregious offense and feel guilty about it. Along with that guilt comes an abiding sense of shame. Some comments that reflect this are the following:

• "I'm disgusted with myself"
• "I humiliated myself and my family"
• "I hate myself"
• "I feel I resent myself"

Society, in the way it treats sex offenders, enforces the sense of shame.  But I am convinced that offenders would experience a personal sense of shame regardless. (I have real concerns about those that don't.)

In sex offender treatment the focus is generally on the offender's cognitive distortions, deviant sexual arousal, impulse control, knowing their "danger signs," developing strategies to employ when they find themselves in a high risk situation.  These areas have to be addessed.  But so does the deep, abiding shame many offenders carry with them.

Learning self-compassion is part of our treatment program.

Photo: Aurellan

Photo: Aurellen